44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
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Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
“No way.” -Jose
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Thursday
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that