Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
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It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?