Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
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My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.