Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.