Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
You Might Also Like
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
U talkin 2 me?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science