My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east