Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done