I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
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[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.