Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
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If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
🌱🌱🌱
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages