Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
You Might Also Like
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I’m tired tomorrow.