Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
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me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂