friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’