Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
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Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Ha
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Haven鈥檛 seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don鈥檛 tell me which lamp falls over.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 馃槈
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was 驴
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
There鈥檚 really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.