[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
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GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
When you let grandma cat sit
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.