old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
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Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.