Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
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Merica.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either