🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
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Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.