“I took care of your clown problem.”
You Might Also Like
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean