I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
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We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
They got a point!
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.