I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
You Might Also Like
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came