Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
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Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
the rocks need my help
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.