Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
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Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?