me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
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Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.