My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
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Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
house sitting!
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.