NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
You Might Also Like
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I love the honesty
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Duck typos.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*