You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…