Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
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*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
When I laugh on my period
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*