Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
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Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
The Compass
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.