behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
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My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air