bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
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This trial is so absurd 😭
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
#milo
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”