vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
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You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.