Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
is this a warning or an offer?
podcasts
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.