Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
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I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
This is a true ally.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me