I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
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Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..