If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*