What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
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My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!