A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
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ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
what the
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Twitter fine art
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti