Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
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Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together