photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I feel like one of these would kill a European
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
thank god the sign was there
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!