My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
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People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.