Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
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toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.