I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
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When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I’d … I’d rather not.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.