Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
You Might Also Like
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.