Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
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Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I like long walks away from everyone
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.