[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
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I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids