I believe the plural is “milves.”
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james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.