My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
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French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”