My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
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The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
that wasn’t the question
just pretend nothing happened
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
cause of death:
autopsy.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it