Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
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I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught