Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
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So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.